wow...havent been on here in a while.
guess i should catch up?
-still with ray (5 yrs now)
-leaving rcc and going to CSUSB in Jan.
-still work at acapulco (i fckin hate it there even more now)
-never found my Wilberina
-got a puppy named Choisis (she turns 1 on Dec 28,2011)
-my geo died , so im car-less

thats about it i guess.
in reguards to the love life....me and ray are like always on and off all the time. I've gone on dates and so has he... one way or another we always end up back together. He's not perfect...he frustrates me sooo much sometimes but when its good between us, man... it just feels amazing. Everyone says I'm dumb for sticking around and sometimes I agree. But being away for long periods of time from him suck. He has the ability to make me really happy and he also can make me really mad. I apparently do the same to him. Maybe we're both settling since we havent really tried all that hard to move on. Maybe we just put up with each others flaws because we're too scared to put ourselves out there again. Because honestly... who marries their High School Sweetheart and sticks with it now a days??? Not that I'm thinking marriage...OMG no... I'm no where near ready for that. But you know...5yrs... is a long time.

The whole school thing has me on my toes. I'm TERRIFIED of going to cal State. I think its mainly because I'm a first generation college student and most of my friends have either not gone to school, gone to vocational schools, or are still in a community college. I literally dont know who to ask for help. This shit is the real deal... I will be leaving this school with a piece of paper saying "teacher" and a huge student debt. The money is what really freaks me out. I hate the idea of owing money for years... aghhhh. Wish I lived in france then I'd be entitled to Free Education.

My birthday is coming up... I need to plan something out. I want to see my friends.

Gotta keep my feet on the ground.
Gotta keep my head out of the clouds.
This boy has me feeling serene.
This boy is right out of a dream.

ahahah...i love having a case of the butterflies.

I need just for once in my life someone to lie to me and tell me i'm perfect.
I'm so tired of hearing my flaws blasted to me from my parents...and soemtimes friends.

I'll know it'll be a lie...but for a while I can play dumb and be happy with who i am. I can blissfully forget if only for a few seconds.

omg...i need to get more NONBELIEVING "ATHIEST" friends.
im tired of having to hear GOD is this....GOD is that....EVOLUTION doesn't make sense...

really!??!?! and some huge dude out somewhere just magically popped out a man!?!? yeah thats wayyyy more logical!!!


ugh...I get ur religion makes u happy. But fuck does it have to be the only reason u live??? A friend was like I wouldnt want to live without a God...really???
Live isnt worth living without some weirdo peeping tom lookin at u all the time?!??!

omg its so frustrating. Then i end up looking like the jackass for not being like them.

I value life because of the experiences. I love to LOVE. I like to eat. Go out. Meet people. Try new things.

If there is no afterlife i want to be sure i lived my life to the fullest.

Date:	2010-09-20 01:18
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	nostalgic

"cant take my eyes off you, your my favorite face."

the last line of the last note he ever wrote me.

ive had a taste of romance and how i crave to feel it again.
LOVE is a drug. Before you taste it you dream of how its like and crave it. After you've had it you just want more. No one minds the loopy side effects it gives us. The lapse in judgements we get. If anything we end up loving that too.

SEX is nothing like LOVE. But combined with it...well thats an acid trip for the whole body. Minus the love from sex and you just have LUST.

LUST is a dangerous thing. never underestimate it.

life for me is about searching for the things that make me happy every minute of everyday.
when im sad its all because i have stopped searching and have closed my eyes to the possibilities.

I cant control everything. And if i could i think i would drive myself insane...if im not insane already.

I cant make people like me.
I cant like everyone i come into contact with.

What i can do is search for things that make me happy.
I love sunflowers. I love driving aimlessly. I love music. I love velcro shoes. I love guys with messy hair. I love spaghetti. I love animals. I love talking to myself in the mirror. I love alot of things...

if i fill my life with more of what i love...things cant be terrible.
the problem is i let myself get low. i even encourage it sometimes by laying around and listening to sad music. i play the helpless romantic but i run away from opportunities to be romantic. then i let myself get low and swear that i am an unwanted and rejected item. (((i can be quite dramatic when left to my own devices)))

but nonetheless i dont want to feel pity for myself. I dont want to cling to any one thing. I want to open my eyes one morning and just be glad ive been given a chance to live another day.
Not think about all my bills from my recent car crash.
Not think about my wilberina being hurt/dead somewhere.
Not think about what ray or whatever guy thinks of me.
Not think of how my dad can still cripple me with his words.

Not think of anything. JUST BE GENUINELY HAPPY to LIVE.
I know its a little late for NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS but i think im about to make one for myself.
I promise myself to be less absorbed with the negative and be more embracing of all the positive around me.

Life is filled with unexpected things and most of them i bet arent too bad...

Who ever said being young was easy...should be SHOT!!!!
Just when things are good things start to go sour.
Seems like the bad times last longer than the Good times.

I hate feeling needy. I absolutely hate it. Yet i find myself clinging onto things for the effect they give me.
-Cling onto a crush for an ego boost, for a sense of being wanted/loved.
-Cling onto friends for a sense of belonging
-Cling onto my dreams because most of them are better than my actual life.
-Cling onto my parents for a sense that i am a good person.
cling,cling,cling...

I should shut off my brain for a while and just go with the flow.
Stop trying to fight against a current.

AND TO TOP IT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I still haven't found my cat.

FML.

Date:	2010-06-15 01:02
Subject:	my baby is gone
Security:	Public
Mood:	stressed

ive had her since 2000. and now ive lost her to my neighborhood.
she's been gone since friday night. she's never been on her own before and im so scared ill never see her again. she is part of my family and my baby. she's been there with me thru thick and thin and not having her around is really starting to get to me.
ive never been super religious but i have found myself praying at night for her return.
did i ever take her for granted!?!? yeah. i have. And now what i would give for a second chance to just hold her. It's amazing how such a small creature can hold such a huge part of my heart.
Im trying to stay positive that ill see her again soon. Its all i can do for now. Since ive already been to the shelter, called near by vets, posted flyers, knocked on doors, and roamed the streets at night.

if this is some sort of lesson from a higher power... I have learned my lesson. I wont take anything for granted anymore. Ill make sure all my family knows i love them EVERYDAY!!!!! All i ask is that i get a second chance to show my WILBERINA how much i love her.

Date:	2010-06-11 02:05
Subject:	sprung.
Security:	Public
Mood:	crazy

Ok so im in a bit of a situation.
Aaron and I have been talking/texting pretty frequently now. He gives me subtle hints he likes me and i give subtle hints i like him back. But he is starting to play this game with my head that is driving me crazy. Its like the movie "He's just not that into you" and i feel like im the crazy chick checking her phone every 5 seconds wondering why she hasnt heard from the guy. He's sooooo chill that sometimes i wonder if i imagined the hints of interest from him. He's really into basketball and he says he plays all the time so I try and think "well he's just off playing" but then i start to get anxious about wanting to hear from him. Then i hear from him and i get the butterflies and it's like an instant high. I get all giddy and crap.
Here's the thinkg that I've noticed though...I LIKE THE CHASE. I like the push and pull of getting to know someone and making them LIKE me. This excites me. Because after I know for a fact the guy wants something more, and wants to make things a little more legit..it's like a switch is flicked off. Suddenely he's not as funny, not as cute, and not as fun anymore. I lose interest plain and simple. I dont know exactly why and sometimes i try and fight it. But the END eventually comes and i lose all contact with the guy.
I really like Aaron. He's cute, SMART!!!!, and i think he def. has some real potential. SO even though it drives me nuts not hearing from him some days....I'm glad he's not super clingy and flirting with me 24/7.
I seriously have some issues.

Oh and i've been cooking lately!!!
I hate touching meat (blood,guts,slime....ew) so i have been trying to cook pure vegetarian/vegan meals. Surprisingly....It's actually all quite delicious. I'm getting more into it and i think thats a good thing because it's alot healthier and hopefully that way i can take an inch or two off. Im planning to try tofu and faux meat soon. See how that tastes. So far soy milk when added to stuff isn't too bad.
I'm kinda proud of myself. Considering i've never been kitchen handy my meals have been quite the sensation.

freshmen year 2004: new school. attention from every guy within a 5 mile radius. from popular boys, to nerds, to the regular guys. Got called a slut, homewrecker, bitch....and blah blah blah by all the girls. I didnt try for attention i just got it.

FLASH FORWARD:
SOPHOMORE year 2010: newish!?!? school. attention from every guy within a 50 mile radius. from boys, to men.

Lately i dont know what the hell im doing different but its like every guy around me has been flicked ON and they are now seeing me in a whole different light.
I currently have RAY, BRIAN, ALEX, and AARON on my nuts. They are all potentials.
but then i have coworkers at work who are easily like 30. and theyre asking for my digits and asking me out on dates. Some of these fools have FAMILIES!!!!!!!!!!
Then theres the randoms. The random guys i pass by who stare at me for like the longest just checking me out. Sometimes they get brave and even approach me.

I havent had this much MALE attention since freshmen year. I dont think im ugly. But i dont think im something to drool over. Im short, not that skinny, chubby nose, and barely a B CUP.
I think im realistic. Because i dont really have a low self esteem...for the most part anyway.

But yeah im definately tripping out.

im Daljit and this is me.
i talk to myself when im alone....far too much.
the word SPORES grosses me out.
i like pretending im famous.
im a hopeless romantic and i view it as a weakness.
im racist when it comes to DATING.
and i have issues with the TRUTH. I can lie alot better than i can tell the truth.


Im a mess. I feel so weird right now. Ill blame the insomnia and the sad music playing in the background for my mood tonight. Because there is no better reason for the way i feel.

i wish he didnt live so far away. i wish we could cuddle right now. that would make it all better right now.

one of my tonsils is killing me!!!
but on the upside. well kinda...me & ray are back to normal.
:O
and im actually glad (at least for now).
he's being all cute with me and everything is as it should be.
except my tonsil!!!!
ugh!!!!

ARE WE REALLY DONE THIS TIME???

Date:	2010-04-16 01:23
Subject:	LOVE's not FAIR
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold

Ray's never been the perfect guy. Yet everytime he hurts me i feel like "omg where did this come from!?" I always see it coming but i pretend i dont and then im hit by the blows full on. Its like i willingly put my heart out and wait for him to break it somehow. I always end it....or sometimes he beats me to the punch....but instead of feeling better i feel worse. i feel empty. i feel i have something missing. This isnt fair. He's not good for me. Maybe at one point he was but now its more toxic than anything else. He's great at playing the victim though. He always makes me feel shitty for how i "treat" him. Yet how he treats me never really comes up.I feel responsible at times for the fights we've had. it's ridiculous how easily he can get in my head. I broke up with him the beginning of this month. And now i'm re-talking to Brian. Yet all my flirts and attempts to get excited with Brian only make me think of ray that much more. I dont like being single. Yet every other guy i have some interest in i compare to Ray. its horrible. because i always choose ray. In one of our make-ups i told Ray "im terrified of being without you" and now im starting to think i was being honest. I think of the good times the times of just being in his arms, the times when we could just chill and watch tv together, the times we'd laugh for hours just at stupid crap, our pretend wrestling matches, our long kissing sessions....so many memories i have with him. I basically grew up with him. & because of this i cant move on. I try or maybe not hard enough....but ray follows me everywhere i go. I cant kiss another boy without thinking "ray's llips are thicker" "ray uses more tongue" "ray holds my face"..........its like FUCK RAY!!!!!!!!!!!! your not kissing RAY!!!!!!!!!!! Im driving myself mad by being away from Ray. yet i know that if i go back to ray ill just end up breaking up with him again. because we no longer fit perfectly together....maybe we never did.
If i think logically...The best way to get over Ray wouldn't be to replace him with a "rebound" it would be to try out being SINGLE again. And by single i mean just content with doing the day to day routines without thinking of someone of the opposite gender. Without flirting with someone. Give myself time to empty my head of all the RAY memories ( or at least time to store them away) and enjoy what other things life has in store for me.
This would be the logical approach but even writing it down makes my heart start panicking. My heart wont let me be alone. It has my brain at gun point and its not going down without a fight. Yet the only casualty in this is my soul. Im wearing myself out by fighting with myself. I want to cry and at the sametime i want to show the world how tough i am. I want to call ray and then again i also want to strangle him. There are too many fights to fight within myself and its almost overwhelming. I dont know how im keeping sane.
I have to try to keep going. I need to push myself to make at least baby steps away from Ray. This has to happen. It NEEDS to happen.
 

i got Yessie a job at my work this week.
she doesnt seem very thrilled which kinda bugs me cuz i asked her beforehand if i should try to or not. i know its not the job she hoped for...but its a job and its better than what shes doing now....which is nothing.
idk...hopefully once she starts and she gets her first paycheck she'll be a little more happy.

things are better with me and my dad...finally.

i think im NOCTURNAL. no lies. In the daytime i always feel groggy and i think about sleep constantly....but at night i want to do alot of things and i dont feel very sleepy. i have to concentrate to get my brain to turn off at night so i can wake up early for school the next day. lol. its crazy.

i finished a book called LOOSE GIRL today...pretty good book. you can only imagine what its about lol. Made me think about the times i thought i needed to be TAKEN to be happy. I still kinda feel like that at times....(thus the whole RAY situation) but sometimes i feel like i can do it all and that i dont need anyone at my side to slow me down.

Man i have the window open to my bedroom and i can hear the frogs all croaking outside. I love how it sounds at night. I also love the smell of NIGHT-TIME...its so fresh. Its all so relaxing at night...everything is all wound down and calm. I love to stare at the moon and out here i can actually see the stars unlike Montebello with the damn light pollution from the Chevrolet Dealership on Whittier. Im growing fond of MoVal...if only for the night time calmness it has. No traffic noise. No light pollution. No kids running around yelling.
Just the night breeze and those lost frogs. Cuz honestly....i have no idea where they come from. Im like 15mins (driving) away from Lake Perris. & like 30 odd mins away from Lake Elsinore. these frogs are lost out here. I see them from time to time jumping around in the back yard. and sometimes i have to save them by getting them out of my chlorinated pool. But i love them theyre adorable and they are a great CHORUS at night. Not too loud not to soft. Just loud enough to appreciate them.

Well its almost 2am and i have class tomorrow at 8am.
NIGHT.

Date:	2010-02-25 22:48
Subject:	words...
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off

i went to school today and i could barely stay awake. crazy stuff.
i dropped off iggy at her house and then drove to Ray's house in Whittier.
I thought id chill there and then go to ANaheim and maybe meet Mike or see Brian...but things chnaged once i was in Ray's bedroom. He can be sooo muchy sometimes that i always fall for it.
He knows exactly what buttons to push to make me want him.
i got there at 12 by 4 i didnt want to leave so i stayed till 5:45 and only because i had to beat my dad home or else id hae to explain where the hell ive been since school.
Anyways...my time with ray was fun. and he made me feel wanted which is a great feeling.
I got home and jumped in the shower. I felt great.
I got out and my dad was home. He's been sick lately and we havent talked much. So when i saw him dancing and stuff i was glad to know he felt better.
Then before i knew it...i had done something to piss him off.
He started yelling and he threw this huge tantrum about how worthless i am and that i dont give a shit about anyone but myself. Anyways turns out he punished me by making me do chores everyday. I cried. I didnt cry because he yelled. Or because he "punished" me. I cried because he got me soooo mad and there was nothing i could do. I know i cant talk back. its useless. I know i cant throw my own tantrum and slam doors and what not....cuz then he'll probably hit me. So all i could do was cry. I went upstairs and i swear my eyes just poured out.
I hate my father sometimes....i hate that he has this effect over me. I hate that he thinks he is superior to me. I hate that i cry infront of him.
The day i move out will be the best day ever. No more of his bullshit.

Date:	2010-02-22 01:05
Subject:	2 yrs difference
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

I continue sucking up air. & in a lack of something better to do...here i am.
Im a sophomore in College. this is my last semester at RCC. It's strange to know ill be leaving soon. Iggy and Anthony and even Lance are no longer going to be with me to help my antisocial skills. ill have to start all over again and put myself out there.
In 3 yrs ill hopefully have my credentials and i hopefully wont have a hard time finding a job.

Life has really been a ride.
I continue to mingle with ray. He's the biggest safety blanket in my life. Everytime i feel lonely i run back to him. Everytime i need to assure myself im something worth looking at...i go run to him. Im not very proud of this. Ive met several guys but for one reason or another it just never works out. Im currently talking to this one guy named Brian but the killer is that he lives in Anaheim....mad far from me. But then this new semester i saw this guy in my class and he was pretty cute so maybe theres a chance there!??! a chance for me to cut the cord with ray. Where are the days where i could be single and happy? Then i met this guy named MIKE on the net and he's def. my type of guy. hxc haircut, tight jeans & white tee...YUM. but he also lives in ANAHEIM. i need to move out there man. lol.

Anyways...As for my friends back in Montebello. Ive finally cut the cord there. I used to be stuck on them. there was so social life if they werent involved. I was obsessed with never getting any other friends. But their personalities no longer SHINE as bright. Theyre attitudes and hobbies have grown to a certain point annoy me. They always talk about the same shit. WEED & GOING OUT. Theyre moving in and out of places pretending to be grown up and doing the whole party scene every weekend. (RAVES) WEED, X, and ALCOHOL have them stupid. & thats not my scene at all. I got excited back in HS for alcohol but now im done with that. i dont drink anymore. I dont need it to have fun. Also i noticed i have a tendency to get hooked on things. so im safer this way. ANyways ive made more and more friends out here in moval and theyre like me and share the same views to a certain point as me. I know they wont drink themselves dumb and i know that if we go out theyll remember it the next day. My old friends will always be my friends but im no longer scared to have other friends. I dont need to go to LA every week to see them. And i think Tiff has figured this out because of texts we've exchanged. its crazy. 2 yrs ago i would have cried at the idea of not seeing them all for a month. Now its been more than 2 months and i still dont have any urge to chill with them. sad but true. Life really does have unexpected changes. i love it.

life at home is crazy sometimes i think we're ok. other times i can see my parents struggling to make ends meet. Luckily i have a job and i make enough money to where i no lnger need to ask for their money. also ive been able to help them out. my parents have fought....theres no big surprise there but for the most part theyre ok. my cat is getting fat and old and everyday i love her just a little but more.

ill be attending COACHELLA this year. im super stoked about this i just never knew the tickets were so damn expensive $269
0_0
better be worth it.

Well its 1am...and i have school tomorrow at 8am
so i bid my farewell.
this has been therapeutic.
:)
till the next time.

Date:	2008-09-28 22:40
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored

PS....
anyone wanna help me make this PAGE less fuckin gay looking...
lemme know.
cuz me and codes just dont handle.
:P

its insane.....im in college.
still cant get over that.
Its kinda scary though since i dont have anyone around me telling me what to do.

no counselors telling me to this do that.
teachers here dont give a fuck if u fail....
i dont get in trouble if i dont go
classes arent everyday

man its alot of change and it trips me out still. I dig the freedom but at the sametime im scared i cant handle. So far i've tried to stay on top of everything. Financial aid, classes, work...but i have a feeling ima fuck up somewhere.
i dunno.

My car is my life lately. Im in it like 24/7. I hated it in the beginning but now i've grown quite fond of my little 96 geo. trippy shit.

Man life is weird right now. I dont know if im good or if theres something off.
Ima just ride it through though. See what opens up.

i havent been on this thing since ever...
i'd like to say im wiser or smarter hell...any change would have been enough to suffice...
TRUTH is....i havent changed at all.
im still the same girl you grew up with.
i fall in the same places
and i fight for the same reasons.
I fool myself from time to time thinking i've learned from an experience....but i turn around and commit the same errors.
My surroundings are changing almost as fast as my heart is beating.
One minute i was surrounded by people i thought i knew everything about.
and then the next im surrounded by strangers who have titled themselves my friends.
Friendship has become a LABLE.
I have "friends" that irritate the fuck out of me...but they're still there.

What happened to the friends i considered family? I guess that went out of fashion around the sametime that loyalty did.

Im months away from attending College. Im excited and nervous. I have your usual case of the FRESHMEN SYNDROME. I dont know what to expect but at the sametime i have an idea of what i want it to be like. I dont want to settle in mediocracy. I want to surpass any and every expectation that has ever been placed on my head. But at the sametime im extremely nervous that i'll just end up part of the crowd. My whole life i've struggled to go at things in a different way or think of things in a different light. Always going after the UNIQUE.
Now im not sure if i can handle.

Alot of shit has happened. Its happened before but now for some reason i feel like its drowning me. I used to see my parents fight and I saw it almost as routine. Now i see it and its like they're yelling at me. Guys have rejected me before and i used to turn around and crush on someone else....Now i cant get him out of my mind. I find myself wishing that he'll just pop up and want me....pretty pathetic.
I feel like im a shadow of what i once was....

But then again
i have a car now &
a job

hmmm....i dunno.
Im just trying to get my shit together. I holding onto hope. That tomorrow i'll wakke up and know exactly what to do to fix my life to what i had dreamt it would be like.

Well i had an urge to write today....but now i have the urge to go eat.
so till the next urge,
xOx